Can I Change Him?

“How much pain is created in people when they fail to realize the only change they will ever make is within themselves? We base our lives around trying to make things better ‘out there’, and we find nothing but isolation. We look to ourselves and let everything out there go, and we find continuity. Does this sound like a paradox? Maybe so, but there is a lot of Truth to be had in this line of thought.”

--Excerpted from my book, Close Your Eyes to Find Your Way: A Guide to Discovering Your Higher Self.


I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen people suffering needlessly because they feel stuck trying to help another person change in some way when that person is not ready to change. It feels so human to want to reach out and try. Although the intention is good, we have to realize that each person is an individual who is experiencing what they have brought on to themselves, even if this is not always pleasant.

This is subconscious programming at work. And can be very difficult to overcome. Where the subconscious is involved, conscious reasoning may be futile, as you may have noticed. You cannot with subconscious programming because the faculty of reason is strictly a conscious faculty.

Am I saying to just let a suffering person suffer? Yes and no. What I am saying is that you must keep the big picture in mind. If someone you love or care about insists on seeing the negative side of life, the best you can do for that person is show them that this is a choice. Show them that you have decided to see the other side, the positive side. Let them know that they can see the positive as well by their own choice, and that you are there to support them in doing so.

The point is if you allow their choice to become your choice, by allowing your own energy to dissipate along with theirs, you have gained nothing for that person or for yourself. If your energy becomes negative, as in depressed because you can’t change them, you will only begin to become a detriment to your own well-being. You will not be in a position to support another.

You need to keep focused on the good that exists in life. And you need to expect this from the other person as well. Go out of your way to point out the good things you see in this person (even if the things you see seem to have nothing to do with the immediate situation). This may take their focus off the negative long enough to shift their energy.

You can support them by reaching out to the level of mind that is “seeing” the negative. The subconscious mind is emotional. This is why you must avoid at any cost becoming upset, depressed, afraid or negative in any way. This will only reinforce their present negative mindset.

By feeding them a positive outlook, you will be offering them the most support you can. But still, remember it is their choice to come around or not, even it it means making a difficult decision.

There is a consensus among most experts of the study of mindsets with regards to trying to change another person. That consensus is that there is no way you can force another to change their mindset. The very best you can do is provide an irresistible example of your own ability to choose to see things in a positive light. If you can show them that it is a personal choice; that may be enough. If not, you have to understand they made their choice.

You may have heard me speak of Les Brown before. He is an amazing motivational speaker who when asked by an attendee of one of his seminars “Can I change my husband?” His response was “No! Changing yourself is a full time job.”

I wrote this blog in response to a request of a good friend. I hope that it helps. Bless you in your journey,

Jeffrey B. Brandt



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